We've been working with people who have issues in their workplaces for 20 years and we've come to the conclusion that doing your job is actually pretty easy. It's the people at work that drive you crazy. We believe that if you can learn to manage your interpersonal relationships at work you'll be happier. And we're here to help you do just that.
Got Annoying Co-Workers? Here's what you do:
There may be someone at work who hovers around you, talking incessantly. Or perhaps you're dealing with a chronic "borrower" who takes things from your desk without asking. Sometimes the rude behavior of a certain colleague can send you over the edge.
We call the people and events that infringe on your personal territory at work "Boundary Busters."
The co-worker whose voice is so loud that you can't concentrate is a Boundary Buster. A customer who obtains your home phone and calls you on the weekend is a Boundary Buster, as is the boss who intercepts, opens and reads your mail.
Because their actions invade your personal space, Boundary Busters can be a source of great emotional and mental distress.
The best way to identify a Boundary Buster is to notice your emotional response to their behavior. Recurring sensations of anger, frustration, irritation or annoyance usually indicate that you are in a situation where someone or something is crossing one of your boundaries.
More often than not, these space invaders are oblivious to the adverse effects of their behavior. For this reason, your best bet for managing these workplace irritants, is to figure out a constructive way to communicate your boundary.
Here are the steps:
1. Identify exactly who or what is encroaching on your terrain
2. Assess the options available to you
3. Communicate what you want in clear, concrete terms, and
4. Follow-up with a business tool.
Here's an example of how it works:
You have an extremely chatty co-worker who approaches you at all hours of the workday. You see this person walking toward you, and your back tightens. 'Oh God,' you think, 'Here we go again.' You identify that listening to this person talk endlessly has become a source of stress for you. You take a few deep breaths, just to release the tension you hold from fielding this person's verbal neediness. You assess your options: 'i could keep pretending to listen and allow Dan or Danielle to drain my energy or i could cut the conversation short by setting a boundary.' You communicate your boundary. Instead of being accusatory ("Would you just SHUT UP!?), you take a high road appraoch: "I'd like to hear your story, but I'm facing a deadline. Let's talk later." You follow-up with a business tool. In this case, you send an email thanking John or Mary for respecting your request, and repeating that you'll catch up later.
Sounds easy, right? Then why do so few people do this? Because setting boundaries requires interpersonal communication skills that most people are not taught.
Hostile Emails at Work
It's a common maddening occurrence: You innocently open an email from a colleague, customer or boss only to suddenly feel ambushed by its contents. The sender blames you for a problem you didn't create, unfairly accuses you of sabotaging a project, or negatively interprets something you said. Even worse, he or she cc's the email to your superiors.
As you stare at the offensive message, your vision blurs. You feel blood rushing to your face. Your heart beats faster. Your stomach drops. Your strongest impulse is to render justice by striking back.
Though it's hard to remember, you do have a choice in that moment. You can either react out of anger, and fire back a harsh retort, or you can close the infuriating email, and calm down.
Which do you do? Our survey reveals that the usual response is to get ticked off, and retaliate. You then get into a battle with that person that can last for weeks at a time.
Opportunities to take offense in the world of email are high. Email is a form of communication without buffers, interpreters or pauses. The cc mechanism lends itself to either "tattling" on your co-workers or being told on to your supervisors.
But if your goal is to resolve workplace conflicts without hurting your reputation, reacting in anger doesn't work. Why? Because you're likely to send your first (and worst) thoughts to the recipient. Angry email responses injure the relationship, and damage your credibility.
The first thing to do when an email makes your blood boil is to calm yourself down. Draft files were created to hold (and filter) our angry e-bursts. Why is it that so few people are able to answer hostile emails in a cool and professional way? Because the temptation to immediately "fire back" an email when you think you've been attacked is very strong.
The next time someone sends an e-missle your way, take whatever steps you can to cool down before responding. We recommend: closing the email, getting up from your desk, stretching, taking a few deep breaths, splashing water on your face, or walking around your office floor to collect your thoughts. If you can cool off, you'll have a much better chance of responding in a calmer, more professional, more effective way.
Exploring Your Relationship to Time
In business, TIME is one of the few truly equal opportunity employers. We all receive the same amount of it and each of us is personally responsible for how we use the time we are given.
What is your relationship to time? Is time your friend or adversary? Does time pass slowly or quickly for you? Do you know where your time goes or does it elude you? The following are several common approaches to time. See if you identify with any of them:
1. Time is a Tireless Taskmaster - Your attitude towards time is very serious. You expect yourself to always use time constructively or productively. You spend your time constantly working, never relaxing. Time makes you feel burdened, tense, or heavy.
2. Your Time is More Important Than Mine - Your attitude towards time is unfocused and undeserving. You spend more time than you want servicing other people's needs. You have difficulty saying "no" to requests/demands of otehrs. Times makes you feel tired, drained or resentful.
3. Time Should Give Me Special Treatment - Your attitude towards time is demanding and willful. You consistently underestimate how long it takes to accomplish things. You pack in "extra" activities which make you late for appointments/events. You expect time to speed up or slow down for you. Time makes you feel agitated, rushed and frustrated.
4. Time is on My Side - Your attitude towards time is respectful and grounded. You make and consistently pursue long range plans. You arrive early for appointments. You make promises according to a realistic assessment of time involved. Time leaves you feeling calm, centered and steady.
To value your time.....track it. Find out how you actually use your time every day. Once you know how your time is spent, you can decide what changes/adjustments you want to make.
To maximize your time...observe your internal clock. Schedule projects and events that require strong powers of concentration during your peak hours. Perform more menial tasks during low energy periods.
To enjoy your time...build mistakes and delays into your day. Allow yourself a few extra minutes between appointments. Give yourself time to savor the people and places around you, instead of constantly racing to beat the clock.
How Your Anger Can Help You
Anger is a potent emotion with an important purpose. It alerts you and others when you are in distress. Anger can shed valuable light on the specific areas where you made need to take action on your own behalf:
Here are 3 steps to having your anger help you:
1. Hear the alarm - pay attention to the business situations that trigger your anger.
2. Let the smoke clear - contrary to popular opinion, venting anger (yelling, cursing, etc.) does little to dispel anger. To use anger constructively, release its adrenaline surge safely, through physical activities like sports, punching pillows, deep breathing.
3. Repair the damage - now that you can see the situation more clearly you can review your options and take concrete steps to protect yourself.
What To Do If You Cry At Work
If you find yourself crying at the office, we recommend the following:
1. Calmly excuse yourself. Say something like, 'Excuse me. I'll be back in a moment." Then, find a safe place -- probably the rest room or a private office, and wipe away your tears. Take a few deep breaths, and try to compose yourself. It may help to splash a little cold water on your face. What you are trying to do is calm your system down so you can return to the meeting.
2. Once you compose yourself, venture back to the crime scene. As you sit down again, say, "Thank you for giving me a moment." Then continue with the conversation.
3. If you sit down and notice that you keep welling up with emotion, you may need to remove yourself for a longer period of time. In that case, say "I'm sorry but I'm having a hard time hearing this right now. Can we resume this conversation at another time?"
4. Afterwards, do something physical to unhook – go for a walk or go out for lunch so you can clear your head and think about what you’d like to say when you resume the conversation.
5. Try not to make a judgment call about crying. Because tears are considered a sign of weakness in our culture, they are still generally unacceptable in the workplace. This does not mean that you are wrong to cry. It just means that you have to manage this kind of emotional reaction at work.
The Business of Boundaries
What is a boundary? Something that marks or fixes a limit.
Interpersonal boundaries define the territory and establish the limits of our relationships. In business, boundaries are extremely important because they spell out acceptable and unacceptable behavior.
Example: A customer calls you at home at 11pm. Boundary question: Do you take the call or tell the customer to call tomorrow during business hours?
As a small business owner, you constantly face situations where your boundaries are tested. Boundaries are difficult to set because there's always a chance that the other person will respond by taking his/her business elsewhere.
Do you ever face business situations where you want to set a boundary with someone, but just can't? Maybe you want to raise your fees with a particular client but never get around to it. Or perhaps your employee does something that really bothers you, but you aren't able to confront the person. Whenever you want to set a limit with someone but feel unable to do so, you've probably hit a hole in your interspersonal boundary system.
A Boundary Hole is an internal belief or feeling which leaves your vulnerable to invasion from others. Some common boundary holes in business:
Belief: "I need you to survive." - You believe that the survival of your business depends on one particular client or account.
Key Symptom: You accept rude, offensive or inappropriate behavior from your client because you "can't afford to lose the business."
Remedy: Focus on expanding your options. If you commit to spending a few hours every week in pursuit of new business, you'll feel less dependent on any one client.
As a business owner, you can expect that certain people and situations will tape into your interpersonal boundary holes. The key lies in knowing what your particular boundary holes are and finding ways to patch them up.
How To Set Boundaries
Your ability to communicate and enforce consistent interpersonal boundaries has a direct impact on your health and the health of your workplace. Here are some ways you can strengthen your boundaries:
1. Write them down - this can include payment policies, employment policies, client agreements.
2. Communicate them - interpersonal boundaries are invisible. They have to be communicated to be known.
3. Be consistent - to be effective, boundaries must be conveyed through consistent words and actions.
4. Follow through - you will be tested. Part of setting a boundary is enforcing it.
5. Identify the kinds of situations which will challenge your boundary setting abilities - get support and help when necessary.
Getting to Know Your Internal Manager
What is an Internal Manager (I.M.)? It is the psychological entity within you that assesses your work and evaluates your performance. Your Internal Manager watches over you, critiques you, and tells you how you're doing.
Like most parents, Internal Managers mean well. They want you to survive and thrive. They are not, however, always constructive in their approach. Nor do they always benefit your overall mental health. Is your Internal Manager running you?
Ask yourself the following questions and see what they reveal about your mental boss:
Does your Internal Manager.......tell you that lunch breaks are for wimps?...tell you to work harder even when you're exhausted?...threaten you with visions of public ridicule and/or financial ruin?...expect you to learn new skills instantly, and criticize if you don't?...remember and repeat every negative comment you ever received regarding your work?...tell you not to go on vacation because it will "hurt the business?"...compare you to others and see you as lacking?
A "yes" to two or more of these questions may indicate the presence of an Internal Manager who resembles Ebonezer Scrooge.
The Art of Unplugging
As summertime approaches there tends to be numerous opportunities for more recreation and less work. Days lengthen, the temperature rises, vacation beckons. And, for many industries, business slows down.
While most of us welcome the more relaxed pace of summer, independent business owners often approach this season with mixed feelings that come with more leisure but potential for decreased cash flow. One way to alleviate summer angst is to practice the art of unplugging.
Unplugging is not checking-out or going to sleep for three months. It's using the summer to break away from your usual business routines.
Unplugging involves reducing your reliance on electronic devices (phone, fax, modem, pager, computer) and directing your energies towards cultivating ideas and building business relationships.
Here's how unplugging works.....
If your phone rings less...Add depth to some of your business relationships. Contact those customers you normally inteact with via technology and invite them to meet you in-person for lunch or coffee.
If the warmer weather brings you fewer business transactions...Dig up one of your long range goals and get to it. Design a new product; create a fresh mailpiece; reorganize your office. Grow your business by completing short-term projects with long term benefits.
If you feel restless working inside...Create an excuse for being outside. Organize an outdoor networking event. Invite your favoritie business associates to come.
If everyone you call seems to be on vacation...Take the hint and plan your own. Even if you can only afford a few days off, give yourself a true break -- no phone calls, no business reading, no pagers, no spread sheets.
Summer provides business owners with an opportunity to spend less time reacting and responding, more time creating and percolating.
What's your version of unplugging?
Gift Tips
It can be tricky knowing what to get colleagues for the holidays. After all, even though you spend 8 hours a day together you may not know their size, or their taste, or if they already have Gwen Stefani’s new CD. So we’ve composed a list of 5 sure fire gift ideas that just about everyone would appreciate receiving.
1. Gift cards – they’re never the wrong size
2. Donations - a donation made in their name to a non-profit (we received a goat one year for a family in Guatemala.)
3. Candles – everyone likes candles
4. Something homemade – it’s made from the heart and who doesn’t appreciate that?
5. A bottle of wine – if they don’t drink, they’ll give it to someone who does. It’s the perfect gift to re-gift.
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